Had been indications before, but still was different to just look at web analytics that gave me this global picture of interest in my things. And how to process? Part of me for YEARS really was expecting like someone would appear...like had read about in so much fiction had loved.
But there was no wise human--or even an alien would have been ok told myself--teacher to arrive.
Was just me with questions and the coldness of information just presented. But of course tried to talk about to people, who I could, and finally focused on settling: was fact or fiction somehow?
Or even if was fact, was it possibly mundane anyway?
Like at first thought maybe anyone who put up web things would have visits from over one hundred countries annually, just maybe from random human curiosity.
Which is a reason to have more than one thing, so could compare across blogs and later other things. And like now I look at my Pinterest jstevh and wonder.
Have so much global, with so little explanation really.
But the anxiety that gripped me with my fear of the unknown has steadily become appropriate concerns about the known. And with over a decade now, am finally focusing solidly on facts to rule my perspective.
So many thoughts had for this post, and is already long for what managed to get out so far, just with the bit started. Should I edit down? (Editor me has arrived and is being, charitable so leaving much maybe just to remind myself how much often gets cut.) Or trust the process? I like those kinds of questions to myself that an audience may never get to witness.
When could question the facts could at times just try to forget.
For years would focus on still trying to get someplace a part of me could not quite accept was where I was at already. Certain I had to depend on recognition from others, as if the human interest already demonstrated was not enough.
But whoever you all are out there, driving those stats, have been so invisible to me. And then again, that could be comforting as well, as how was I supposed to act? (But thank you so much for being there and having that interest!!!)
Years in San Francisco allowed me so much practice. I loved karaoke to let me play at the possibility: The attention I could gain with singing just for fun. And had started quite deliberate, with my knees shaking back December 1999 when still in Georgia, USA.
Was globally known I figured from various things felt more like hints but was in San Francisco got those web stats, and objective fact from others on whom could rely, right?
And was in 2007 or 2008, and I have not been able to narrow it down for sure in my mind. Wasn't until October 2010 when I finally put up a more recent picture. And distinctly remember riding the Muni 108 bus in to SoMa and then the quick walk into the Financial District in San Francisco, like usual, to work, wondering if was being recognized.
Then laid off, denying back then had anything to do with it, and worked harder I told myself to try and figure out the web things, and make them pay. Yet actually did so much of the theoretical underpinning in the last few years. And was driven even harder last year when ended up homeless, having been evicted and then in a shelter for MONTHS.
Such a wild story where so much with the facts was so much often bizarrely to me so constant. Over 100 countries stable at least for downloads for my open source project Class Viewer where one year dropped below. I remember thinking would boost it, and made myself study my process. There was EFFORT involved and finally accepted how much effort I put into so much. And why wouldn't it be hard?
Somehow I adjusted and watched as boosted from the nineties back above 100 countries annually for downloads. And allowed myself to realize: hey, kind of cool and how exactly did I DO that?
How does any person have anything that can draw interest from human beings in over 100 countries?
Made myself ask that question, over and over again. Pressured myself to be meta. Pushed an executive function within myself to better manage it all. And with all that work am finally to the point where am better, I think, at letting facts rule my perspective.
So I tell myself. That's enough for this post, I tell myself now. Will leave in the editorial messages, and the messages to myself. How much will edit later, who knows? I'll find out as the process which have refined takes over.
And have done some editing. That editorial part of me does feel very different. Editing I think is when I more enjoy the work. While an executive part of me likes the idea of leaving so much in this post, which helps me too, down the line. Gives a sense of the work involved.
That inner executive part of me does like getting attention here and there, and I'm forcing myself to document THAT as well, but why? Of course I'm the one that is in charge regardless of which aspect of me feels like is forefront, my inner executive notes.
James Harris
