Facing fear of attention?

Years ago was doing ok in San Francisco having finally gotten over most of my rage at not having some math results of mine--properly acknowledged in my opinion, but also was just having so much fun which surprised me. Got there and went from temp to perm with a job doing data entry. Found myself a regular at the top karaoke spot, and convinced myself only a few things were lacking. Like wanted to find THE woman of my life and figure out how to make money from the web things. I admitted much of that in a short post a little over a year ago that took me a bit to find. as wanted to link to it for this post.

Have had two problems wrestled with for over a decade: trying to get attention for my ideas, and wary of too much attention, from my ideas.

But yeah imagine you have Google telling you with web stats that you have visitors from over 100 countries and you don't quite understand it, and things you try don't work the way you figure they should.

Like I can promote anything I want globally. What happens when I try? Well that depends....

So I worked out the rules as best I could and focused a lot on this blog on figuring out money and promotion and other things. But notice I will not explain certain things, like maybe will at least mention celebrity but will not explain. There's another word I just will not mention at all, which starts with an 'f'.

To me that's cheating. But am trying to be more honest as am getting in my own way enough that as these two conflicting aspects of myself battle with each other, am looking for a resolution. For a long time the wary side has held sway. So yeah was a HUGE event for me back September 2010 after Labor Day to actually put up a photo of myself, which I've used ever since. To me that was an astonishing event that I decided to do such a thing.

Since have used other photos and even have an Instagram which had even more, until posting to it stopped, over two years ago. Though am actually on Instagram every day, but looking at other people's photos.

Do I want celebrity? Nope. Not even a little bit of it. But do I need some celebrity? Yes, if I want to make money from my ideas. Lots of analysis for years with me checking and re-checking and testing other options has left me with that conclusion.

I've been proud of rejecting celebrity though for too long. And it definitely wasn't always the case but had a fantasy before. That fantasy just seemed like endless fun. That's how fantasy works. When the reality was definitely possible found myself immediately rejecting. Still have worked at being prepared.

For me karaoke was a deliberate way to try and learn certain things which worked great. Why I bring it up so much. Learned a lot of good lessons from it. But could only learn so much.

Also watch a lot of documentaries.

Is SO depressing to some extent...stop saying that, must tell myself. I have to stop looking at the negatives relentlessly, depressing myself with tales of tragic celebrity which I study endlessly.

If you know about what I claim and study the timeline you'd know I've had about 21 years to contemplate many things, with a certainty of certain things in the last 13 years, which will be 14 years in August.

Now to achieve my goals I have to learn to step from behind the curtains. That sounds so histrionic to me. Other way to say it is, to get the relationships I want I have to do things maybe not as comfortable to me.

This post is kind of me trying to gently convince myself and maybe informing others? Is hard. I've been SO successful one way. Working to find more success changing a bit--but not too much.


James Harris