The one word that has ruled too much for my comfort for a long time has been FEAR as tried to figure things out with my web reality. Was like all my foundations tumbled away, and there were times simply tried to move less but always to keep moving.
Remember one of the last times tried to celebrate anything with family. Happily told my late stepmother about my prime counting find back August 2002. Am not sure how much made sense to her. And probably never did, and she died from cancer a few years ago.
With my folks disbelief definitely ruled. And it does hurt a bit especially...will not talk in detail as is a personal problem. The fear thing was smart though. Routinely have put up things that challenge nations and am usually right. To me information is not personal and is not playing favorites.
But humans can get mean about the messenger. Maybe there is some weird satisfaction for some with finding some way to lash out at reality you do not like.
The disbelief thing is understandable to me. Am the closest person to much of my own research of course, and have lots of motivation to understand the implications and to figure out the details. Still have constantly struggled with disbelief myself. But then I can test, and test. And can recheck and recheck. Or more importantly, make other discoveries that tell or find reality checks from others.
If I talk about big discoveries to others they naturally can look around to find out who is backing me up.
While for me for a long time there has been that puzzle of support that is very distant from what I can gather. Like I talk visits from all over the world to this blog. Could also talk about linking behavior.
Have been cautious in admitting that I remember only once finding a link to anything of mine from others on the web, where someone had linked to some of my math on her math blog. I rarely get feedback of any kind beyond looking at web stats. But also spent years at one point arguing with haters over math on Usenet, so kind of appreciate it? Yeah, but still is a puzzle.
With some of my things can look at stats, from Google showing linking behavior, which I appreciate. And maybe talk less because that messes with it, and am not sure why. I prefer transparency and talking things that help others build confidence I guess. But yeah will talk country counts, but not total visit numbers. Will not talk reported linking behavior much.
The FEAR that I felt when learned of my arrival to global attention levels did not stop me. It would have me go slowly. And years would go by and I would be fine with it, certain that in time there would be answers. Or was desperate that there would be. My emotions could shift between surreal calm with the surreal to total panic, which was thankfully rare.
Realized got to be a pathfinder. Before now, no humans could be so globally known in this way on the daily, with so much available for their fellow humans to consider so easily at such distances.
So I can just think some thoughts, and put some out here, and ponder which ones interest people all over our planet. That is SO cool. But why wouldn't there be some healthy fear attached? How could there not be?
You do not need some massive organization or backing network to be global in our times, though am sure it helps. And of course there are those with that who have a global experience.
No, the new isn't for those who find global attention in ways that are from legacy things of the past.
We now have a global network available widely. Letting in a new kind of global person and am one who is still trying to learn.
And have not been exactly welcoming for a long time in trying to encourage feedback. Have tried more now as have looked to be more commercial as money problems are dominating. Which to me is a specious reason. But good thing is, as try more, am challenging the fear. Is more manageable now.
So yeah for those who wonder. People close to me don't believe me. My support is so much web, with much from people who are invisible to me. Find myself trusting third parties, but primarily have Google sharing the information I need.
And am thankful for perspective that required so much time.
Feel like have been forced to understand the foundations of my sense of reality. And readily admit, share explanation that are often much for myself.
Will not regret being cautious in the face of so much change.
Do value the help. And so many of you reading are so much a mystery to me, but your support has been so important for so many years. Maybe in time will get better perspective there as well.
Meanwhile the great adventure is what I like to call it all--continues. And things just keep getting more interesting I think. And I DO think a lot. Is comforting for me, really.
James Harris
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